Every time I miss him. I come online to tell him so, to bare part of my soul to him, to show him how pathetic I am. But I never get that far. I see him with his new girlfriend and smile a bittersweet smile that I can feel breaking my heart all over again and push down the urge.

I went to find his shirt last night. Searched every inch of my room and I cannot for the life of me find it. I just wanted tangible proof that once someone had loved me...or at least cared about me. But it's lost. I wonder if that's a sign.

I wonder if I'll ever truly get over him.

And I wonder what he'd do if he knew how much of my life I've dedicated to him.

I wonder what his reaction would be if he knew how long I've waited for him.

How I still wait.

Why can I never have what I desire? What the fuck is wrong with me?


"What am I fighting for?

There must be something more...

For all these words I've said,

Do you feel anything?

What am I fighting for?

I said I'm okay...

But I know how to lie."

I feel myself getting depressed again.

I just want to go back to bed. :(

Thank you higher power for giving me Edward dreams last night. Siggghhhhhhhhhh.

Such a pity I had to wake up!

:(

You know you've completely gone off the geek ledge when you break down and get a headset with a mic and talk on Vent whilst playing your game.

I'm guilty of this now.

It's always fun being like the one girl in a room of guys. lol.

Why the fuck do you do that crap to me? You fucked up my whole fucking night. I think I'm fine. I'm doing okay. Living. Surviving. Dealing. And then out of the fucking blue you send me a message. And this isn't even the first time! What am I supposed to make of all this? Honestly! Do you do this because you're fighting with your gf? That's what I always assume is happening when you send me messages. Is it because you're drinking? Do you get nostalgic or feel guilty about your past? Am I the only female online? What?

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to think when you say "Maybe I should have kept you." What am I supposed to do with the joking statement that I was only cool when you were my boyfriend?

YOU CONFUSE ME. YOU FUCK WITH MY HEAD.

You tell me appearances are deceiving. I point out that you seem to be happy and in a good place. You tell me things aren't always what they seem.

I really don't know what to make of you. And it's fucked with my head all night.

I want to know what goes on in your head when you message me out of the blue. Why me? Cause you know you can still make me weak? Because you know you can fuck with my head and make my heart ache for the rest of the night?

I mean, what the fuck man?

I just...

I don't know. I'm confused.

I'm always yours, you know? It won't change. I hope you realize that.

Baby, you're so hot you should be illegal...




( Jesus christ, seriously. Can your shorts BE any lower? Just take them off already. Please? Please? )

My tattoo is Thursday. I'm pretty excited. I hope it looks okay. Lyndsey is going with me unless she forgot and made other plans. So I'm counting on her expertise about vamps to be my second pair of eyes and give me opinions on it. People at work either think I'm nuts or are really pumped for it. I don't really have any regrets so far about it. It will be small and easy to cover. It sounds odd but I'm really looking forward to the change it is going to bring. Honestly, I think it will be more mental than anything else. I don't know how to explain that...but yeah, I think I'm going to be different. A new start.


I have a feeling I'm losing weight. All my pants are baggy now. To the point I have to yank them up. And while this should be a good thing. I'm pretty sure it's just because I don't eat. Not entirely the healthy route...

I really need to write in here more.

Oh R Patz. Why you gotta be so smexy?

So I have decided on getting another tattoo. I have been thinking about this for awhile now. I had decided I would probably get a new one when I got my Bush tax money stuff back. Well, most of that is gone. *cough* Thank you, Sookie Stackhouse. However, since Borders now works me a whole 33 hours a week now. I think a little tattoo party is in order.

I have been reading a ton lately. I really haven't even been playing Maple aggressively anymore. I think I just want to get out of my own world for awhile. My two new favorite book series lie in Charlaine Harris and her southern vampire/Sookie Stackhouse series and the Stephenie Meyer Twilight series. And what are these about you ask? Vampires. Of course.

I've always loved vampires. Lyndsey and I have always been all about them. I guess it was only a matter of time before I wanted a tattoo relating to them. I woke up today with the brilliant idea. I wanted vampire puncture marks on my neck. I ran the idea around in my mind today and I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen. Now there's three issues I need to get sorted in my mind before I go in to get it done. First is how the wounds will look. Second, how the blood will flow and look and what color. Third is the placement of the wounds.

I really can't find many good tattoos of a vamp bite. You think with all the vamp freaks out there, more people would get them. I thought I'd share a few pics and get your opinion on them.



This one is my favorite.

http://www.bmeink.com/A40411/high/iam00023814.jpg

It's small and subtle. I like how the holes are kinda pronounced. I was afraid you couldn't do much with puncture wounds, but this one is a bit shadowed and has depth to it. I like how the blood drops aren't in your face.

http://www.bmeink.com/A80131/high/no7v-vampire-bites.jpg

This one right here isn't too horrible. I don't like the placement. The blood is kinda cool though.

http://www.bmeink.com/A60904/high/bmepb348220.jpg

That just looks horribly corny. But I like the placement of it. Maybe. I don't know. The big issue I'm facing is placement I think, like which side of the neck? Where exactly should it go? High? Low? Between the neck and shoulder blade? I'm not sure.


http://www.bmeink.com/A21120/high/hrvampytat3.jpg

That one looks realistic. I'm not really sure where it's placed. I guess on her chest? While it looks realistic, I think it's kinda just...messy looking.

http://www.bmeink.com/miniport/A80317/high/not5-tattooed-by-john.jpg
This might be my second favorite. It's just very simple.

The first one is as close to my vision as possible. Although, like I said, placement is still a mystery. But this should be a cheap and pretty easy tattoo. I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen. This is the same excitement and urge I get every time one of my previous tattoo ideas have popped in my head.

I'm hoping to get it before "Breaking dawn" comes out on Aug 2nd, actually I'm thinking about popping in the shop maybe Thursday and talk it over with Scott and make an appointment. I would go earlier but I have to work all week! BLEH! But yeah, that would be an awesome thing to show up at the premiere with! Although, I'm sure I have to work that night, it would be awesome to show it up to fellow vamp lovers. I also am buying two or three awesome Twilighty shirts. The internet is awesome.

Anyway, feel free to leave me thoughts. Especially on placement. That's about the only thing I'm still pondering.